An Open Apology to my Friends

6 10 2013

Hey everyone!

It’s Tomi.

I want to apologize to you, for I have been a tad manipulative in our friendship.

I’ll just jump right into it!!

On far too many occasions, I have falsely assumed that you would be my personal “yes-man.” I have assumed all your support, your assurance, your comfort, your well-wishes and good-lucks. I have assumed a lot from you – for me.

I have assumed that your affirmations will somehow solidify my ideas and hopes; that your saying “yes,” “great idea,” and “you’re right” will somehow help what is within me manifest in its fullness – that it will now somehow be right because you provided validation that what I thought was right.

I have given you total power to affirm me. I put too much pressure on you to hold my self-esteem for me, to be the final stop before I got to my destination in believing that what I said, thought, did and knew was…good.

But frankly, this is too much for you! And too little for me.

If I give you everything to carry and to determine for me, then I do not have enough to hold within me, for myself. I start to feel empty.

I begin to feel that anything I hear from you outside of “yes” means “bad” or “wrong” instead of “help me see it” or “sharpen that more.” I begin to hear anything outside of “yes” as the death of my ideas and hopes.

My ideas are extensions of me – and I falsely and continuously believe that if they are not celebrated, they are wasted. I falsely believe that if you do not save them through your affirmation, that they cannot live.

I put too much pressure on you. I put too little confidence in myself.

So again, forgive me.

I want to hold my own self-esteem and perceptions of myself in myself, and in concert with you.

And I want to have the strength to receive correction or expansion from you.

But I have to release you first, from being my esteem to esteeming you as my friend – my wonderful, but human friend.

I have to release you from being my inner voice and a god of sorts. I have to stop consulting you to affirm my being.

I must stop this wild divination.

I have to allow myself to rest assured that what I think and say will be understood because I think that they are worth knowing.

But even if they are not seen that way, I hope to remind myself that they are still good – because I said so.

Or maybe because God said the same thing about both of us.

Good.

Sincerely,
Tomi

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